


The Human Mask

by kuronekonya, WhiteCrow96



Series: Humans, Gods, and Spirits [2]
Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-03-14 19:18:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 16,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13596645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuronekonya/pseuds/kuronekonya, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteCrow96/pseuds/WhiteCrow96
Summary: Sequel to Worthy of a Name. Natsume slowly learns to deal with life as a god. An inter-connected vignette series. Gen.Reposted from ff.net with the author's permission.





	1. The Marks of Godhood

**Author's Note:**

> Woohoo! I'm finally starting to get The Human Mask up. Chapters should be up every couple of days. I'll try to do batches, but as length increases, the less likely that will be. Don't forget to subscribe for alerts! 
> 
> Also, kudos and comments welcome! Every kudos and comment is sent to harunekonya, so if we get a lot, maybe she'll be inspired to write more? *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*
> 
> As with Worthy of a Name, everything here is harunekonya's, I've only edited for spelling and spacing changes. 
> 
> Original A/N: So I've finally gotten around to writing a sequel to Worthy of a Name, but things didn't turn out the way I planned (they never do). I had initially intended to create a long one-shot, but then realized that there was far too much I wished to explore, so I have decided to change the format into a drabble. Like the anime and manga, there will be mini-arcs, but most of the time I intend for them to be little slices of life, explorations of how Natsume's life has changed- or stayed the same.

_From the time I was a small, I've been able to see strange things. Since nobody else can see them, they are probably what you would call spirits._

_And now I am one of them._

* * *

"That's weird. They're not coming off."

He scrubs at the red marks that encircle his wrists in a way that is not quite panicky, too preoccupied to notice the beauty of his surroundings. Midnight has just passed, but the forest is cast in the shadows of floating blue foxfire, illuminating the ferns and stream in a brilliant glow of turquoise.

Natsume continues to scrub, but the brightness never fades despite the fact that he has been at it for at least fifteen minutes. If he looks closer, the marks look like it has become a __part__ of his skin, like tattoo bracelets of bloody crimson. It is not something he wants to think about, so he shoves his hands back into the water, and hopes that this time the wrists will come out clean.

"What in the world are you doing, you idiot?" Nyanko-sensei appears suddenly, not in his usual cat form, but in his true form as a large white beast. 

Natsume sighs, feeling as well as seeing the disgust written all over spirit's face. Not wanting to show just how desperate he actually is, he keeps his tone irritated, as if all that is wrong is Nyanko-sensei asking him ridiculous questions. "Washing my hands. What does it look like I'm doing?"

"It looks like you're doing something stupid is what you're doing." Some of his desperation must have shown through anyway. Nyanko-sensei gives a snort, and comes closer to where he is. Not close enough to punch, which Natsume finds amusing in spite of everything.

"Sensei…"

"Idiot, if you want them to disappear you can just will it away."

"Will it away?"

Nyanko-sensei doesn't say anything. The white beast gives him a look that makes it all too clear that he considers Natsume a hopeless idiot. Sighing again, Natsume takes his hands out of the stream, and closes his eyes.

"You don't need to close your eyes."

He ignores this, and concentrates on the image of his face and body as it was before, willing it to be that way once more.

When he opens his eyes again, his wrists are back to normal. Natsume peers into the stream to check his reflection, and is relieved to see a distinct lack of red lines and circles.

"Thank you, sensei," he says, and he __means__ it.

As Nyanko-sensei engages in a series of shivers and over-the-top gagging at the sincerity, Natsume laughs, knowing that both he and sensei are aware that they are only acting out familiar roles, roles that are played to create familiar ground, to pretend that what has happened is only a dream.

But it only heightens the uneasiness he feels, the knowledge that this is only the beginning. There are far more things he'll have to learn—too many of them he won't know he'll need until it happens.

Or until it's too late.


	2. A Different Perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: I have always been fascinated with the way spirits can "smell" humans. I also wanted to explore how Natsume's basic needs and wants might have changed. This drabble is the result.

_I cannot shake off the feeling that I have done this before, countless times. It is hard to accept that not too long ago, I had pretended to be a spirit. Pretending to be a human is easier in some ways, but the knowledge of what I used to be makes it harder, somehow, than pretending to be a spirit had ever been._

* * *

"Takashi-kun! It's time to wake up!"

"Y-yes!" He shoots up from the futon, rubbing his eyes out of habit, but not out of necessity. Gods, he's found out, don't get things in their eyes that need to be washed out after a night's rest. Much to his surprise, Natsume has discovered that he _can_ sleep. It is something that Nyanko-sensei still teases him for on occasion, and in retrospect, Natsume can see the humor. After all, he's had living proof sleeping next to him nearly every night for awhile now.

And the stupid cat is _still_ sleeping.

A loud rumble flows from the cat's mouth, and Natsume bites back a smile. Not just sleeping, but snoring also.

"Nyanko-sensei," he says, using his left foot to poke the fat cat in the approximate area of its ribs.

"Mmrowblargh," the cat says, and rolls over, still snoring heavily.

Sighing, Natsume gets ready for school alone.

He is constantly aware that he is in a house inhabited by humans. The scent—Natsume does not know any better word to describe it, though it is not precisely smell—permeates the very grounds of the house. It is a mix of sensation, the immediate knowledge of emotions, personality, and power, all unique to every being. 

As he steps into the bathroom, Natsume is aware that Shigeru-san had been there earlier; a warm scent, not overpowering, but nevertheless firm, giving flavor to an otherwise ordinary signature. Interestingly, there is nothing to indicate sex, demonstrating the truth of the statement that spirits do not recognize the fundamental differences that humans take for granted.

Mealtimes remain an uneasy affair. Natsume is distinctly aware that he no longer needs to eat. His body is never hungry, at least not for human food. Misuzu has assured Natsume that so long as there are spirits worshipping him, hunger will remain a thing of the past.

And with worshippers increasing daily, that eventuality is unlikely to happen.

"How is it?" Touko-san asks with a smile.

"It's delicious," Natsume replies, struggling to copy her expression.

And it is.

He might no longer feel true hunger, but Natsume can taste the love and care mixed into the food he is now eating, and that awakens an avarice in him that can only belong to the new spirit side of him. It is a heady feeling, like drinking cold water from a stream in the height of summer. 

The thought gives him pause, and he hesitates biting into the fish, simply reveling in the emotions that rise from it, the scents that make up the kind, caring woman that is Touko-san. No wonder Nyanko-sensei rarely misses a meal.

Perhaps he is coming at this from the wrong angle. After all, while he no longer feels hunger, the reverse is also true: he never truly feels full either. Human food, as Nyanko-sensei has repeatedly told him, is wonderful and varied. There is no reason why Natsume cannot continue to enjoy it, and no longer being distracted by things like hunger only means Natsume is free to concentrate solely on enjoying the taste.

Which, if Nyanko-sensei is any indication, means Natsume will triple in weight in a month, assuming that gods are capable of becoming overweight.

"Done already?" Touko-san says, looking concerned.

"Yes," Natsume says firmly. He carries the empty bowls and plates to the kitchen sink, and reminds himself to never ask for more than what Touko-san offers him.

It is probably best to be careful.


	3. Little Details

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: I've noticed that there has been some confusion in the reviews. Strictly speaking, a drabble is a short piece of 100 words. Needless to say I have broken this rule, but the idea of it being short, contained slices of a story remains the same. As I go on I will create mini-drabble arcs, but suffice to say I will not be writing longer pieces. In part this is due to time constraints, as I am a grad student juggling full course loads, an assistantship, and fieldwork. While I will try to make my updates semi-regular, I cannot guarantee such.
> 
> The following drabble addresses a couple questions: What does it mean for a spirit to have a human body? What does that entail, and what things do they have to think of that we take for granted? I hope you enjoy reading this drabble as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Thank you.

_Once, I tried to ignore spirits because I believed nothing good ever came out of humans becoming involved with spirit affairs. Now I no longer have that excuse. Yet I wonder if the reverse is true. If nothing good comes of humans getting involved with spirits, does nothing good come of gods becoming involved with humans?_

* * *

_"There he is!"_

_"It's him! Lord Natsume!"_

_"He's coming closer, what do we do?"_

_"Should we greet him?"_

_"Greet him? But he is with humans. I've heard Lord Natsume doesn't like it when we try to talk to him when he's with humans…"_

_"Oh. Why is he with humans? Does he like them?"_

_"Don't you know? Lord Natsume, he used to be—"_

Tanuma turns to look at Natsume with a puzzled look. Natsume tries to relax, but a bit of his unease must still be showing, for Tanuma soon stops.

"Is it spirits?" he asks with a mixture of curiosity and concern. "Is there one close by?"

"Several," Natsume says, glad that in this aspect he can remain honest with Tanuma at least.

"Oh. They're not dangerous are they? Maybe we should hurry."

"Yes, let's." Natsume agrees eagerly, and starts off again at a brisk pace, Tanuma easily keeping pace with him.

Once, not long ago, Natsume had lamented Tanuma's inability to truly see or hear spirits. Now he is thankful. It would have been awkward to explain why so many spirits are gathering to watch him pass by otherwise, when they hadn't before.

The same goes for Taki, who if it not for her grandfather's interests, is perfectly ordinary. That part of her scent is muted, indicating potential, but no true power, and Natsume has to fight the urge to dismiss it as "unappetizing," whereas Tanuma, with his slight spiritual power, if not "delicious," is at least "more tasty."

"Good morning, Tanuma-kun, Natsume-kun." she says as she runs to meet them. Then she reaches out a hand, and Natsume subconsciously flinches away from it.

"Natsume-kun?"

"I'm sorry," Natsume says immediately. "I was surprised."

But Taki is no stranger to Natsume's tendency to hide things, and she reaches a hand out again.

"You're not pretending you aren't sick like last time, are you?" she says, the "last time" referring to the day Natsume had miscalculated the amount of heat his human body should give off. He had nearly burned Kishimoto's hand when the boy had placed it casually on Natsume's arm before class. This had subsequently led to him being sent home to a very worried Touko-san and a rather scornful Nyanko-sensei.

Taki places her hand squarely on Natsume's forehead. It stays there for a while, but Taki gradually lowers her hand back to her side. "Well, you're a bit cool, but that's probably because it's cold outside."

"Is it?" Natsume says, then belatedly realizes that yes, walking along a road piled high with last night's snow is a good indication that the temperature is cold. "I mean, yes, it is cold isn't it?"

The two of them are staring at him suspiciously now, but Natsume pretends not to notice. 

"We should probably hurry. We're going to be late."

"Yeah, we probably should." Tanuma agrees, but until they part ways to their separate classrooms, Natsume notices Tanuma constantly glancing over at him in speculation. He hurries to put his things carefully in his desk, grateful that no one in his class really believes in spirits.


	4. Changed Status

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to get this up a while ago, but school came along and kicked my butt. So here it is, at long last. Enjoy, and please don't forget to leave a comment and a kudos, as well as subscribe.
> 
> Original A/N: At over 1000 words, this is definitely not a drabble. Oops. However, the next few are definitely going to be shorter, so I apologize beforehand for those of you getting your hopes up. This is a one time thing.
> 
> I wanted to address the matter of The Book of Friends. Natsume is no longer a mere human boy who "dares" to control spirits, but a god worthy of such power. And of course, this means that the relationship between Natsume and Nyanko-sensei needs to be sorted out as well. I hope I have addressed both adequately in this short (no longer drabble) piece.

_Ever since the change I have worried about how others would treat me differently. It's true that some of those changes have been for the better. But it's the things that have stayed the same that I find myself truly cherishing. And the ones who treat me the same as before that I truly care for._

* * *

The spirit groveling before him is starting to give him a headache.

_"Ah my lord, rumors of your grace and kindness have reached to the farthest corner of the spirit realm, but none of them describe your shining magnificence, your eternal wellspring of power, the pure goodness that fountains from your very being…"_

Natsume stifles a cringe.

_"So you see, my great lord Natsume, I have travelled here from afar to present my allegiance to you, if you will so have me, small and insignificant as I am…"_

"Um…" Natsume interjects, but the spirit, too absorbed in its lengthy monologue, does not hear him.

_"And I believe my lord, though of course I am sure you know already, for you most assuredly know all, but I once had the privilege of dueling with your most honorable grandmother…"_

For a split second, the spirit trails off, and Natsume grabs the opening with eagerness.

"You have your name in the Book of Friends?"

The spirit looks hesitant. " _Well yes my lord, but…"_

"Do you want me to return it to you?"

Natsume had expected the spirit to once more prostrate itself on the ground and make another five minute long speech of gratitude, but instead the spirit rears up to its full height, which towers over Natsume like a black, crescent wave. The odd, white face located in the middle of the massive bulk is a study in dramatic horror.

" _My lord, do I not please you?"_ It wails, the stubby arms to its sides flailing. It would have been funny, if the spirit had not been so visibly distressed.

"Well, no…"

" _Then why do you wish to return my name, my lord? Why do you wish to sever my allegiance to you?"_

"Um, well, I don't really need…"

" _You don't need me?"_ At this point the spirit's voice has risen to a painful shriek, and Natsume is at a loss for what to do.

"Calm yourself, you over dramatic idiot," Nyanko-sensei suddenly says, coming between Natsume and the spirit. His voice takes on a deeper quality, which cuts through the shriek like a knife. Abruptly the spirit goes silent. "Lord Natsume does not need your name to command you. That is not his way. Surely the stories you've heard have told you that much?"

" _Of course! His noble generosity is known far and wide!"_

"Then take your name back. Lord Natsume knows that you will serve him better with your freedom returned. He does this to cement your allegiance, not to sever it. It is a sign of his trust. Be happy that you have earned it, since he does not give it to just anyone."

"Hey Nyanko-sensei, that's a bit…"

A sideways glare from Nyanko-sensei stops Natsume mid-sentence. "My lord, your servant is ready to receive its name now," the cat says, his words so full of acerbic humor that Natsume winces again.

" _Kororiku, I return your name to you. Accept it."_

When the last strands of the name disappear into the spirit, Nyanko-sensei speaks up again. "Now Lord Natsume has some business away from the forest. Return to your dwelling. When Lord Natsume needs you he will call."

" _Of course."_ The spirit turns to Natsume, its face once again full of awe. _"I will spread word of your generosity far and wide, my lord."_

"Y-yeah. Thank you," Natsume says.

With that the spirit leaves in a whirl of black wind, leaving Natsume and Nyanko-sensei standing alone in the forest.

"So pure goodness fountains from your very being does it?" Nyanko-sensei says.

Natsume groans. "Nyanko-sensei…"

"Idiot. I have never seen such an embarrassing display in all my life. You are a god. How are you supposed to command anyone the way you are now?"

"But I don't want to command anyone!" Natsume says. "I never wanted to," he adds, softly.

"Well you had better get used to it," Nyanko-sensei says with visible impatience. "Kororiku won't be the last spirit to do this, and since you insist on returning their names to them you had better think of a way to do it so they don't get upset."

Nyanko-sensei starts to walk down the forest path that leads back to human civilization, and Natsume follows meekly behind. He looks down at his sneakers, the jeans, and the thick blue coat Touko-san had insisted he wear that morning. For all purposes he looks like an ordinary human boy. But then he senses the power of the earth beneath him, the power that he taps into to maintain his human form, and recognizes his appearance for the illusion that it really is.

It isn't his human appearance that spirits see.

"They aren't going to come and ask me to return their names anymore, are they?" Natsume finally says.

"Took you long enough to realize that," Nyanko-sensei grumbles.

Something about the way Nyanko-sensei says it triggers a memory that Natsume has put away until now. A promise, but a promise that can no longer be kept.

"I'm sorry."

"Hmph." The cat rolls his eyes. "I only wanted the Book of Friends because it isn't a thing you should leave in human hands."

Natsume smiles, then reaches down to pick up the cat. "Come on, we still need to buy the things Touko-san asked us to get."

"Bah, how shameful. What is a god doing running errands for a mere human?"

Natsume smiles. "Hmmm, well if I recall correctly one of the things she wanted me to buy were squid rings. I think she was planning on frying some tonight for d—"

Immediately the cat bounces out of his arms and pelts down the forest path as fast as his stubby legs can go. "Squid rings? What are we waiting for? Come on Natsume!"

In a moment Natsume is left alone in the forest, and he stands there quietly, feeling the hum of the earth beneath him, and the soft sounds of roots digging deep into the earth. Above him he can sense the breeze rustling through branches still bare from winter, but he can sense the life within the trees. Soon there will be visible buds. Natsume smiles, enjoying the sensation of awakening life. As a human he would not have been able to feel this, to sense the world preparing itself for rebirth.

"Spring is coming," he says, softly.

Then he too, walks down the forest path, back to human civilization.


	5. Going Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: In this drabble I explore things that people take for granted, but Natsume never thinks about. He has a tendency to do that, I've noticed. This is a lighthearted piece, and I hope I've managed to capture the warmth that this series is so famous for. Thank you, all of you, for reading this. I hope you enjoy reading it.

_Sometimes it is hard to believe that I am a god. When I am with humans it is like none of this had ever happened. Yet somehow, when I am with spirits, the difference can sometimes be all too clear. Even among spirits, I am unusual._

* * *

There is a woman kneeling by the road, hands clasped in prayer before a simple, stone shrine. Lying on the ground next to her is an object wrapped in blue silk cloth.

Natsume pauses on the road, for a moment feeling oddly curious.

It is not the first time he has seen someone do this. The roads near the forest are occasionally lined with shrines. Some are Buddhist statues, while others are simply stone houses, covered in moss and worn with age. The more elaborate wooden ones are usually first surrounded by a gate.

Natsume has seen people do this many times. Sometimes they simply light incense. Other times they make offerings of food, such as fruit, or rice buns. When Natsume had been human, even he had done it a few times, such as the time he had offered a peach to Tsuyugami.

"Nyanko-sensei," he says, looking down at the cat he holds in his arms.

"What?" the cat says.

"The woman. She's… she's making an offering, right?"

"Idiot. Of course she is. Even though there's no one living in that shrine. Humans. They offer things where it isn't needed, and ignore the places where they are. But then, that's only to be expected."

"What kinds of spirits live in shrines like that?"

"Hm? Well the bigger ones belong to the gods, of course. And some of the smaller ones to minor gods. But occasionally some spirits get mistaken as gods and then they get them too." The cat looks at him accusingly. "It's not like you haven't met those before."

"Mm."

"So why are you asking me all this all of a sudden?"

"Well, seeing the woman praying there, I was just wondering, that's all."

"That's all?"

The two of them fall silent for a moment, watching the woman finish her prayers, then gather up her things. It isn't until she disappears down the road that Natsume opens his mouth.

"Umm, well. You know." He nodded his head in the direction of the shrine. "It made me remember that I'm a, I'm a… well."

The cat snorted, then rolled his eyes.

"Stupid. You are so stupid. You have one too you know."

This startles Natsume, who drops Nyanko-sensei to the ground and takes a step back.

"Wait, what?"

"I can't believe this. You mean you didn't know?"

"I wasn't told about this!"

"No one should _need_ to tell you about this."

Natsume falls silent at that point, feeling both a growing sense of embarrassment and consternation. He isn't sure how to deal with the idea that he has a shrine. Somehow the fact that he does makes it harder to handle. His being a god isn't merely a passing fancy he can pretend away—it's real.

"You amaze me sometimes, Natsume. I have the say that this is the first time I've come across a god who didn't know he had a shrine."

"Sorry," Natsume mumbles.

"Do you want to take a look at it?"

"Huh?"

"You don't know where it is, right? Want to go take a look? It's technically your home after all."

"Um."

The cat looks up at him from one eye, then gives another sigh of exasperation. "Let's go home then."

"Mm." Picking the cat back up, Natsume follows the path the woman had taken back into town. Back to where Touko-san and Shigeru-san are waiting.

Back home.


	6. One of the Unseen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: I figured that it was about time that Natsume started to stop reacting and actually take the initiative. I also explore, though very briefly, how Natsume feels about his spirit form. I will definitely need to go back and explore that more, in further detail.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading.

_I thought that I would be able to deal with being unseen by humans. After all, I had spent most of my childhood being ignored, or hoping that I would be ignored. But the first time I walked through town as a spirit, I found that it hurt. Somehow, in the short time I've been here, I've changed. It makes me wonder if that is why spirits hate humans so much. Perhaps all of them, to a certain extent, want to be seen. To be noticed._

* * *

The man doesn't see him, even though Natsume is standing right by him. It still sends chills down his back, sometimes. But as with all things, Natsume finds that he is slowly becoming used to it.

Natsume had been helping a spirit, a spirit in the form of a little girl who had lost her favorite toy. She had been young enough to be unaffected by the awe and worship that seems to have become the mainstay among the spirits living here, and had come asking him for help.

It had been the first request since Natsume had become a god. Though the little girl does not know it, Natsume had been grateful for the request, though the wave of nostalgia that had overcome him had been almost painful. Natsume has never thought he would miss the days when random spirits came to him, begging for small, petty favors. Now they never come, convinced as they are that a god should not be bothered by their small, insignificant problems.

He worries sometimes.

Who helps them now, those spirits who used to come to him, would have come to him, had he still been human? Do they have anyone else they can turn to? Or are they only relying on themselves now, struggling alone?

Natsume sighs, then sits down on the park bench, next to the man who had sat down moments before. His movement translates to a slight breeze, ruffling the man's thin, graying hair.

"Ah, what a nice breeze."

"What breeze?" Natsume asks.

When the man does not answer, Natsume blushes, remembering that no human can see him in his current form.

He finds it more convenient now to shed his human form when he deals with spirits, and with it, the fear he used to have of being seen talking to thin air no longer exists. Also, should problems occur, as they are wont to do, Natsume does not have to worry about expending extra power to maintain his human form on top of anything else he may need to do.

Thankfully, this hasn't happened yet.

But he has a feeling that it will happen. Perhaps not soon, but Natsume is well aware of other humans—humans who can see.

And unlike Natsume used to be, none of them are likely to help spirits.

It isn't until he became a god that Natsume realizes just how unique he had been as a human. Powerful enough to help, but his existence as a human had allowed other spirits to impose on him without fearing retribution. At least, until the moment Natsume had punched them.

_To be able to see… and yet not care._

How long have the spirits been waiting for someone like him? Well, not wait, since they had never expected humans to help. It is one thing to know that humans cannot, because they are unaware, are unable to see. Yet it is another to know that they can see, yet choose not to help—may in fact, actively try to harm them.

Not that all spirits are harmless, but not all of them are harmful either.

"I need to learn to be better than this," Natsume says out loud. He isn't quite sure who he is saying it to. After all, the man sitting next to him cannot hear him. Then Natsume smiles. 

If Nyanko-sensei were here, Natsume would have to endure another round of lectures on how spirits were not helpless, that he was too much of a worrywart and a busybody. _"It's that personality that got you into your current situation, idiot!"_

In this, Natsume agrees with Nyanko-sensei. He _is_ an idiot.

Once upon a time, he had been someone spirits felt safe enough to come to. It will take work to make that happen again. And time, which is no longer a problem for him. Maybe it is because of that that Natsume feels confidence rather than despair.

"After all, I am a god now."

It is about time that he starts acting like one.


	7. Taking Lessons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it for this batch. See you guys in a couple of days!
> 
> Original A/N: I realized that I've been neglecting Natsume's human life in favor of his spirit one, so here is a "drabble" that returns to that. I admit, Natsume's human life, other than stories of his past, are not things I find especially interesting, but Natsume certainly does! So there will be more drabbles about the human friends (and family!) in Natsume's life.
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and commenting!

_Caught up as I had been in the changes in my life, I forgot that there were still some things that would catch up with me even if I left it alone. And that being a god does not somehow allow me to learn these things faster. In this, like before, I still need to depend on others for help._

* * *

"Oh, that's bad," Nishimura says, looking over Natsume's shoulder. He looks at the test Natsume has just gotten back, and at the single digit number written in the upper right corner.

"It doesn't change, no matter how many times I look at this," Natsume says, sighing.

"I don't remember you getting scores as bad as that," is the boy's reply. "I mean, you never did great on your tests, but you never did badly on them either."

"Nishimura…" Kitamoto says.

"But it's true!"

"Doesn't mean you need to say it out loud!" Kitamoto puts down his lunch, then moves over to glance at Natsume's test. "But that really is a bad score Natsume, and it's not at all like you. Is something wrong?"

"N-not really."

"Hmmm."

"You sure?" Nishimura asks. "Because you know, Kitamoto is rather good at bio."

"I'll help you out after school if you want," Kitamoto says, not at all annoyed despite the fact that his friend had just thoughtlessly volunteered him as a tutor.

"No really. I'm fine. I'll just… study harder." Natsume gets up, wrapping up his empty lunch box. It had been delicious, as usual.

"All right. But if you need help, don't hesitate to ask."

"Thank you." He opens the door to head back downstairs. "Nishimura, I'll see you in class in a bit."

"See ya!"

Later that afternoon, Natsume heads to the library and opens his textbook to the chapter he had been tested on. Then he takes out the test, smoothing out the crinkles along the edges. It is ironic, that he, who knows and understands the way life changes and grows more intimately than any human, should fail a test in a subject that attempts to explain the phenomena. But the terms and concepts confuse him, despite reading and rereading the passage that explains what they are.

"There you are. I thought you might be here."

"Tanuma," Natsume says, grateful for the interruption. Then he smiles ruefully. "So you heard."

"Yeah. I overheard Kitamoto and Nishimura," Tanuma admits, smiling in return. "So, what's wrong?" The expression on his face changes, becoming more serious. In a much quieter tone, he asks, "Is it because of spirits? Are you able to sleep at night?"

 _I'm not sleeping at all._ But Natsume does not say this. Instead he shakes his head and smiles again. "No, I'm getting plenty of sleep."

He cannot tell Tanuma that he isn't sleeping, not because spirits are coming to him for help, but because he is going to them for lessons. Lessons on how to create barriers, to create and break seals—deliberately, rather than instinctively like he used to—magics of illusion and protections, power and defense, and a thousand and one other little things he needs to learn. Not to be a god, necessarily, at least, not just that. But to be a good one, one who doesn't merely want to protect his followers, but _can_.

"So anyway, Kitamoto asked me to help you out with your biology."

This startles Natsume. "Wait… but…"

"I know. I know you already rejected Kitamoto's offer. But he came to ask me anyway. He said that he felt that you might not be so hesitant with me, since you've gone to me for coaching before." Tanuma laughs, remembering the _shougi_ lessons. "I'm pretty good at bio you know. Better even than Kitamoto. Besides, I want to help. I might be useless when it comes to other things, but this is the least I can do."

It is hard not to feel the pain in Tanuma's voice, to feel the twinge of bitterness and longing. Natsume knows, more than anyone else, that this longing is his fault. After all, until Tanuma had met him, Tanuma had not been aware that it was possible to feel more. Yet Tanuma, unlike Natsume, does not have the power to do anything. Enough to feel, to sense something out there, but not enough to do. Not even to see.

"Thank you, Tanuma. It's really not anything… else. It's just that I really, really don't understand this." Natsume nudges the textbook for emphasis.

The look of relief on Tanuma's face hurts, but Natsume continues to smile.

"All right then. Hand over that test, and let's try going over the problems."

He has forgotten. In his haste to become the kind of god he wants to be, he has forgotten about the other world he lives in. The one filled with people just as precious, that he cares for just as much. Guilt overwhelms Natsume in an instant, momentarily distracting him from Tanuma's explanation.

"Do you understand, Natsume?"

"U-um. Sorry. Can you explain again?"

It's not only being a better god that Natsume has to worry about. Insistent as he is on living in both worlds, it is not enough. From now on he will have to do better.

As a god.

As a human.

As a friend.


	8. Coaxing Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the wait. *throws chapters and runs off*
> 
> Original A/N: And now I bring this a little closer to home. We rarely see one-on-one time with Touko-san in the anime or manga. I've been wanting to write a small, poignant scene with the two of them for a while now, and this is the result. It's a bit sappy, so apologies. As always, happy reading.

_The more I learn, the more I realize how little I actually know. Sometimes I despair, and wonder if I will ever finish learning, if there is a point. But then there are times like this, when I use what I've learned to help someone, and I realize that perhaps, just maybe, it is worth it._

* * *

The earth is cool and moist beneath his hands, but filled with an inner warmth that Natsume can now identify as the energy that creates life. He pats it down around the seedling that is starting to sprout. Then he channels that warmth, slowly, carefully, into the seedling, giving it strength and life.

It is something he has taken to doing whenever he passes by the garden. Little sparks, both from his own power and from the earth itself, quiet commands to the plants to spread their roots deep. Sparks to nourish the vegetables and flowers that Touko-san so looks forward to, to make them grow bigger, stronger, more beautiful. His lessons have progressed to the point where he can weave the earth's energies so that he can purposefully channel where he wants the energy to go.

The act is near automatic now, and he can do it quickly and easily. Natsume smiles, remembering the moment when he found out the reason why spirits always seemed to be able to find the tastiest vegetables, the ripest fruits, even out of season. While it is true that Natsume is far more powerful, the sensitivity to the earth he has appears to a lesser extent in all spirits, and many of them use that power freely.

No wonder the forests where spirits live are always so lush and beautiful.

"Oh my, they are all growing so nicely," Touko-san says next to him. She kneels in the dirt, smiling happily at the seedlings. A basket, filled with gardening tools and a pair of gloves, lies next to her. "I've never seen such healthy plants."

Natsume says nothing, but he finds himself glowing with pleasure, knowing that he is the indirect cause of her current delight.

"This spring I'll finally be able to use parsley from my own garden."

"Huh?" His pleasure abruptly halts, to be replaced by a growing sense of dismay. Though being a god has changed many things about him, some things still remain the same.

Natsume still hates parsley.

When Natsume turns to look at Touko-san, he notices a hint of mischief in her eyes. She laughs merrily when she notices Natsume's obvious embarrassment. "Oh but that's right, you don't like parsley do you, Takashi-kun?"

"Um…" Natsume looks at her, unable to think of anything diplomatic to say.

"You're as bad as Shigeru-san. He always whines when I make him eat parsley. Such a child!" Then gently, she places a soft hand on Natsume's cheek. "Such children."

"I'm sorry," Natsume says. "I'll try harder to like it."

"Perhaps you'll like it better as tempura," Touko-san says. She looks over her garden again, but as she does, her face takes on a puzzled expression. "But it's so strange…"

"Hm?"

"I don't see anything that needs weeding." The woman falls silent, her expression thoughtful. "Unless…" Then Touko-san suddenly gasps, and turns to look at Natsume with a look of utter delight. "Oh you! Did you do this for me?"

"What?"

"The weeding! You weeded the garden for me!"

"Ah, no, I…" Then Natsume pauses.

In channeling the earth's energies, he _has_ left less for other plants, which technically means that weeds will find it harder to take root. It's not permanent, and as time passes a few of the hardier weeds will sprout, but it will take longer for them to do so.

"Takashi-kun," Touko-san says. She watches him, smiling in that caring way that Natsume has come to treasure, perhaps even love. "I've never said this before, but I think it's important now to let you know, and I know Shigeru-san agrees with me." Touko-san continues to gaze at him, and Natsume feels something inside him flutter.

_Ah, perhaps this is what it feels like to have a mother._

"Since you've come to live with us, we've never been happier."

He ducks his head at the point, too overcome with emotion to trust himself to answer properly. Sometimes it is hard to believe that he, who has spent most of his life alone and unwanted, should manage to find such happiness.


	9. Humble Offerings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Natsume and Nyanko-sensei together are always fun to write. I love their dynamic. Up until now I really haven't dwelled on Natsume's god appearance. Now I give a few more details. As always, please enjoy reading this piece.

_It is hard to accept a gift, harder perhaps, than giving one. With gifts come the giver's hopes and dreams, a silent plea, a debt. I do not know how I will ever pay them back, or know if that is even possible. Perhaps it isn't. And learning to accept that will be the hardest I'll ever do._

* * *

When Natsume releases his human form, he is surprised to discover that things don't feel the same.

"Oh, so they've finally started," Nyanko-sensei says. He is curled up on the grass, slowly and methodically attempting to bathe himself, but Natsume can sense a smug feeling of satisfaction coming from the cat.

"They've started to what?" Natsume says. "And who's they?"

"The headdress looks good on you," Nyanko-sensei says instead, pausing at random intervals between licks. "And if you use that head of yours, you should be able to figure it out, idiot."

"What headdress… oh!" It is at that moment that Natsume figures out what had felt different, and he lifts the object off his head and holds it in front of him. And then instantly regrets it. The moon is full tonight, and Natsume can see every detail clearly.

"Hmph, it's still a simple thing," the cat says with a disdainful snort. "But a good beginning. They'll probably add to it as time goes on."

Though Nyanko-sensei had referred to it as a headdress, to Natsume's eyes and growing sense of horror, it looked something more like the headgear worn by the bride in a traditional Shinto wedding. The base is made of thick, white textured paper that circles around the head. In the center is a mass of flowers, leaves and loops of red and gold paper strings, tied up in red silk cords ending in long tassels. Two of the tassels trail down just over his forehead, while the rest are longer, trailing down the sides. If he were to put it back on, those tassels would go past his shoulders.

In other words, it looks ridiculous.

"How do I give this back?"

" _What_?" Nyanko-sensei cries. "Idiot, you can't give back a gift! Think of how your worshippers will feel."

"But…"

"As far as those things go, yours is rather simple. Remember Lord Houzuki's headdress? Be thankful yours isn't pink and purple."

Natsume sighs. "I'll feel like an idiot, wearing this."

"You'll get used to it."

"I don't even know how this got here!"

"Stupid, your worshippers made it for you."

He casts a begrudging look at the cat. "I figured as much," he says drily. "But what about the rest of it?"

"The rest of what?"

"How did it end up on the top of my head?"

The cat sighs, then walks over to sit next to Natsume's feet. "They probably placed it at the door of your shrine." While Natsume is still figuring out how to respond to this, Nyanko-sensei adds, "You'd need to go to the shrine if you really don't like it that much. Though I recommend that you don't."

"Why not?"

"You're a god now, Natsume. A little grandeur in your appearance is normal, and your worshippers need to see that too. At the moment it makes them happy to give you things. Why ruin their fun?"

Knowing better than to argue, Natsume grimaces, but puts the headdress back on. He barely feels the weight, and when he moves or tilts his head, he notices that the thing doesn't shift or slip, though he can feel the flowers and leaves shiver slightly with every movement he makes. "I guess this means I should go take a look at my shrine."

"Hmph." The cat snorts and looks away. "About time. Stupid."

"It's not too elaborate is it? I don't want anything that looks silly."

"You'll find out when you go there."

With Nyanko-sensei's current mood, Natsume knows that even if Sensei did know something, he wouldn't talk. Still, he cannot resist teasing as he picks the spirit up off the ground. Holding the cat in front of him, he laughs. "Cheapo. I know you know."

"What? And what about you? What kind of god doesn't know what his own home looks like?"

"I already have a home, Sensei. I don't need another one."

"Psh. You. You still think like a human. What's wrong with two?"

"What's wrong with one?" Natsume counters. Then he smiles. "I'll go, Sensei. But only if you come with me."

Nyanko-sensei gives a disdainful snort, then jumps back down, waddling in the direction of the forest. "As if you could leave me behind!"


	10. Divine Joy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: Natsume finally visits his shrine! I actually had this written a while ago, but I felt like I needed a bit more time to pass between Going Home and this chapter, so the ones in between were the result. I hope that all of you have found it worth the wait. As always, read and enjoy.

_When I was a human, I often forgot to savor the pleasures that being a human brought. Now that I am a god, I find that I am making the same mistake. Just as there had been joy in being human, there are joys in being a god. Little things, but all the more precious because of it._

* * *

There is no need to walk when he sheds his human form. This is just as well, as his feet are bare. His clothes change also, fading away to form into the white silk robe and elaborately patterned obi he had worn that fateful day.

A moment later he is enveloped in purple, as Hinoe shrieks in delight and flings herself on top of him. 

"Mmmm—oh you look absolutely adorable!"

"Hinoe!" Natsume cries. "Stop. Please! Gah! Nyanko-sensei! Sensei, help!"

"What are you asking for help for?" Nyanko-sensei says, sitting contentedly on the ground, a bottle of sake in one paw. "You're a god now. Learn to deal with it."

"Hinoe, you really should be more respectful," the one-eyed half of the middle-class pair says with disapproval. "Lord Natsume is a god now."

"A god, a god," the cow spirit agrees.

"Hmph, as if that changes anything," Hinoe says, nuzzling Natsume with delight. "Ooh, it's so nice now that you don't have that human stink."

By this point, Natsume has given up the fight and merely sighs while he endures Hinoe's enthusiastic embrace.

"I wasn't aware that I stank, Hinoe," he says instead, smiling slightly.

"Well, it wasn't exactly a stink," Hinoe amends, "but you really were quite powerful as a human, and it was just… really strong."

"Hmm," Natsume says, assessing this. Though he is now used to the scent that humans give off, as of yet he hasn't had a chance to test Hinoe's claim. There had been no other human in this area as powerful as him after all.

"Come on then, we're supposed to visit Natsume's shrine, aren't we?" Nyanko-sensei says. He lists slightly back and forth, then hiccups.

"Can you even walk?"

"Pick me up, Natsume!"

Cradling the cat in his arms, Natsume follows in the direction of the middle class spirits, who lead the way deeper into the mountains. Hinoe follows behind.

It is an odd sensation to be able to head up the mountain and not grow tired. Natsume floats several centimeters above the ground, and if he _pushes_ , he can fly rapidly in whatever direction he wishes, and land without being afraid of slipping. The earth is his anchor now, and Natsume feels the pull of its power even as he pulls back.

Spring is well under way. Natsume takes a deep breath, absorbing the scent of newly sprouted plants. If he listens, he can _hear_ the buds of leaves unfurling, of flowers blooming, spreading up and out into a sun that grows warmer day by day.

"Do you feel this too?" Natsume asks. "Spring. Can all of you feel it?" He lands on top of a blanket of lush, green moss, feeling oddly giddy with happiness.

The other spirits say nothing, merely giving each other knowing looks before smiling indulgently at him.

"Come, Lord Natsume," the one-eyed spirit says. "We're almost to your shrine."

The forest suddenly gives way to a semi-clearing, surrounded by drooping branches. In the summer most of the area will be covered in shade, but enough will be exposed to light to allow for flowers and other plants to grow. Close by there is a small yet active stream that runs from the forest and down, twisting past large boulders to disappear further among the trees.

_"Lord Natsume…!"_

_"He's here!"_

_"Here…"_

_"Finally…"_

_"Lord Natsume has finally arrived."_

_"…arrived…"_

"This is…" Natsume says, looking around.

"This is where your shrine is located," Hinoe says gently.

"But…" Natsume looks around, captivated by the gentle beauty of his surroundings. "Where…"

"Look past the trees," Hinoe says.

Then there, under the shade of still bare cherry trees, Natsume sees it. He takes a step closer. Then another.

"You're a god of spirits," Nyanko-sensei explains. "There's no need to expose your shrine to foolish humans."

"When the cherry blossoms bloom this place will be truly beautiful," the one-eyed spirit adds. "Your worshippers picked a good spot."

"It's already beautiful," Natsume says.

He looks at the shrine. It is made of wood, but somehow Natsume suspects that this wood will never rot, nor will the walls crack with age. As far as shrines go it is small, only half his height and less than a meter wide, but something about it gives it a cozy appearance. The golden brown color is inviting, and the tiny gate strung with ropes and paper seals is welcoming rather than overly grand and forbidding.

"Do you want to try going in?" Nyanko-sensei asks.

"I'd like to," Natsume says. With a start he realizes that he means it. "But I don't know how."

"That's all right," Hinoe says. "We'll teach you. You have plenty of time to learn."

The words send a pang through him, but he pushes it away.

"Thank you." Natsume smiles. Once again he takes in his surroundings, noting some of the tiny spirits hidden within the trees, still too shy to approach him.

"Thank you."


	11. The Creator (Reunion Arc: Part 1/2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: This is the first half of a two part arc. This drabble is particularly short, but I hope that it doesn't take away from the rest of the other drabbles. Balancing Natsume's spirit world with his human one is rather difficult. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this short piece, and look forward to the second half next week.

_I can no longer call myself a human. But I wonder sometimes, just exactly how I've come to become a god. Do gods have parents? Or was the ritual the object that birthed me? Perhaps gods have no parents. And that, in itself, speaks of just how different I am now from what I once was._

* * *

"So where did you say this place was?" Nishimura asks again.

"Ah, just a little further up," Taki says, looking back down on her map. "There's supposed to be a really good place to view cherry blossoms here."

"In the middle of the forest?" Kitamoto asks, sounding doubtful.

"Hey!" Nishimura snaps. "If Taki says it's there, it's there."

"What does that even mean?" Sasada says, her look of exasperation visible for all to see.

Walking a little behind, Natsume and Tanuma exchange amused looks. It had originally started off as an ordinary enough plan to go cherry blossom viewing, but then things had started to devolve once Nishimura had insisted on finding a place where they wouldn't have to share with anyone else. Once Taki had volunteered a potential spot, the rest had become a foregone conclusion.

"I wonder if we'll ever get there at this rate," Tanuma says, chuckling.

"Hm? It's close by. I can sense it," Natsume replies absently. A second later he realizes what he has said, but it is too late.

Tanuma slows down on the switchback path, and looks at him oddly. "Natsume?"

Natsume looks away. Perhaps if he pretends that he is caught up by something else, Tanuma will assume that he had gotten the information from a spirit.

It works.

A moment later, Tanuma falls silent again, once more walking quietly next to Natsume.

The reality however, is that the forest is completely devoid of spirits. A true rarity, and a fact so disturbing that Natsume is having a hard time masking his discomfort. He probes, stretching his senses across the mountain forest area as much as he dares, as he walks effortlessly on the mountain path. Steep steps are no longer tiring for him. In fact, he can no longer even feel fatigue.

And that is when he feels it. There is a deeper power in this mountain, but it is hidden so deeply, that had Natsume not been regularly trained, he would never have felt it.

A deep power, and yet also…

_Lonely?_

"Tanuma," Natsume says, careful to keep his voice out of the others' hearing range. The young man turns silently to look at him. "Tell the others that I dropped something and that I've gone back to look for it."

Tanuma nods his acceptance, but Natsume can sense the worry in his eyes. "Is it going to be dangerous?"

Natsume smiles gently. "No."

"All right, I'll let them know."

He doesn't hesitate. The moment Tanuma turns his back, Natsume rushes off the path, shedding his human form. Tanuma may wonder how Natsume had managed to vanish so quickly, but the deep power is proving too distracting for Natsume to care about such details.

Natsume barely registers Tanuma's surprise and confusion, instead concentrating on that source of power, and most of all, that loneliness. A loneliness that calls to him, he who is all too familiar with the feeling.

His feet are no longer bare as he flies through the forest, weaving between the trees. Worshipers had finally gotten around to giving him _geta_ with plain, red straps. It matters little to him—as it was with the headdress, the wooden sandals stick on no matter how fast or how recklessly he moves.

As he closes in on the source, Natsume finally realizes what had truly called him here. Before him stands a Shinto gate, faded orange in its old age, the ritual papers long worn away. Yet it does not have the feeling of being abandoned. There is life there, and once again, Natsume senses that deep power. A power tinged with loneliness, and yet…

"So it is you," Natsume says quietly.

"Hello Natsume," the other god says to him. "It has been a while."

"Yes it has," Natsume agrees. "It's been a long time since I've seen you, Kai."


	12. Reconciliation (Reunion Arc: Part 2/2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that the update schedule mentioned below was the author's original plan several years ago. It obviously doesn't match mine, sadly...
> 
> Original A/N: This is the finale to the Kai Reunion arc. It turned out bittersweet, despite my original plans. This particular drabble practically wrote itself. I hope all my readers, as always, enjoy reading this series.
> 
> As all of you probably know by now, I typically update once a week, on either late Saturday evening or on Sunday. While I plan to keep this on indefinitely, I will be going through surgery next week and will be hospitalized for several days. I apologize beforehand if I fail to upload a drabble for next week. Thank you for your understanding.

_I cannot hate him. I cannot hate a person who is lonely, but finds the strength within to keep trying, to keep reaching out. It is a courage I have never had, yet I have been lucky. If it hadn't been for those who first reached out to me, where would I be now?_

* * *

"There used to be a lot here," Kai says quietly, his head facing the direction of the Shinto gate, into the mountain forest. The god is still in the form Natsume had last seen him as: in human form, dressed like a young schoolboy. "The humans exorcised them all," he adds. "After all, holy creatures like… gods shouldn't be contaminated by the dirty presence of spirits."

Natsume feels something within him lurch, and is momentarily blinded by a flash of grief. "So that's why, when those spirits called you, you went to find them."

"Yes," Kai says quietly. "It was okay at first, when I still had worshippers…" His voice falters, and then falls silent, perhaps too stricken with grief to continue.

"I'm sorry," Natsume says. "I should have explained better, that day in the forest. The day you left."

"It's not your fault," Kai says. "I did not stay long enough to listen. Instead, I assumed and because of that… because of that…" The young, boy-like god takes a deep breath, and then another. "We could have spent a lot more time together."

"I'm here now," Natsume points out. He cannot resist. Before he knows it his hand is out and gently patting the other god's head.

Kai looks up, startled. "You don't hate me?"

Natsume lowers his hand back down to his side. "No," he says. "I can't. It's…" he sighs. "Maybe I would feel differently if I had lost the people who were precious to me, but I haven't. For the most part the important things have stayed the same." Natsume smiles. "Maybe I am being selfish, but with this transformation, now at least I have the power to protect the people I care about. And in many ways, this is easier."

The moment he says it, he realizes that it is true. It is easier.

But in many ways, it is also harder.

"You'll watch your human friends grow old and die," Kai says. The words, spoken bluntly, momentarily freeze Natsume. "I did this to you," Kai continues, seemingly oblivious to Natsume's pain. "When Misuzu came to me to request my blood, I knew what it would do to you." He looks up at him, and for the first time Natsume notices the age welling deep within that small, seemingly child-like body. "He explained your relationship to that exorcist, how you had been trying to find a way to stop him from exorcising me. So I already knew that you weren't on their side. But I still…"

Kai closes his eyes and looks away.

For a long time the two of them are silent, the only occasional sound that of the breeze that ruffles the leaves on the trees, tousling Kai's hair into gentle disarray. Meanwhile, Natsume fights an internal battle, struggling with conflicting emotions, overwhelmed with a kaleidoscope of images, memories, voices, and sounds. To say that he does not miss being human would be to lie. And yet Natsume knows that he does not mind being the person he is now.

That's when he realizes.

"But it wasn't just your blood," Natsume finally says. He closes his eyes, and relaxes his senses, enjoying the feeling of the earth growing, moving, _living_. And he knows that if someone were to come, someone who could take this ability away, given a choice, Natsume would refuse.

"Sasafune's blood was in it too. And had it been hers alone, perhaps… perhaps…" Natsume struggles to find the right words. "I would have still been human, but unable to die, cursed. But your blood, Kai, it was your blood that allowed me to find a purpose." Natsume smiles at Kai, who has reopened his eyes to look at Natsume with gradually widening eyes. "It was your blood that freed me."

"Natsume…" Kai, the god, the child, sniffs, and hurriedly rubs his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Come on, Kai," Natsume says. "Taki and Tanuma are here too. You should say hi to them."

"I can't… they'll… your friends…"

"It was Taki who brought me here," Natsume says. "I think she didn't tell me on purpose. Perhaps she'd hoped that I would be able to find you."

"Taki… I remember her," Kai says, brightening. "I liked the things she'd made for me. Coo—" he stumbles over the unfamiliar word. " _Cookies_. They were good." But then he made a quiet, wistful smile. "But I can't go, Natsume. I've vowed not to meet with humans again."

The god's eyes plead for understanding.

Natsume nods. He cannot blame Kai for feeling that way. For a god who has been abandoned and hurt by humans, perhaps it is enough that Kai does not hate. And perhaps in this, Kai is wiser than Natsume.

_You'll watch your human friends grow old and die._

"Then promise me that you'll visit me. Promise me that."

"I will. Soon."

As Natsume walks away from the shrine, he looks at the empty forest, the forest housing one, lonely god.

It is Kai's choice not to open himself up to more pain. And he has already done enough, reaching out to Natsume. But as for himself, Natsume decides, he will continue on this path, and accept what his choice will bring.

No matter what it is.


	13. A Life of Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting from this chapter, every once in a while, there will be cultural notes at the bottom of the chapter. I highly, highly recommend taking the time to read those. They add so much richness and depth to this fic.
> 
> Original A/N: Thank you everybody for your well-wishes. I'm sure it's because of all of you that my surgery went unusually well. I was discharged two days earlier than expected. Thank you!
> 
> As an award, you guys get another drabble. It's a bit rushed (I wrote this while still under the effects of the anesthesia), and I apologize for the darker nature of this drabble. Next week, in anticipation of my birthday, I will be starting a three-part arc. Kai keeps his promise.
> 
> Again, as always thank you for reading my drabbles.

_Sometimes I am surprised by the things I've become used to. But it is at those points where I must be at my most careful. Because unlike before, I now have people who notice. And what's more, can put two and two together. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but for just a bit longer, just a bit, I want to try to keep my two worlds separate._

* * *

Natsume walks without truly feeling it. Instead he is more occupied with the feeling of the difference between concrete and bare earth. The road had switched back to concrete a few kilometers back, and Natsume finds himself missing the deeper pulse of the earth that comes with direct contact.

Behind him, Nishimura walks slowly, sweating with exertion. Occasionally Natsume hears him moaning, though it always comes in the form of complaints.

"My legs are going to fall off!" Nishimura says to Kitamoto, who though also sweating, is otherwise perfectly fine.

"Look at the cherry blossoms. They can help keep your mind off things," he replies.

"Not for forty kilometers! Why do we even need to walk this much anyway?" Nishimura adds under his breath.

"We have this every year," Kitamoto reminds Nishimura. "Besides, we're almost done."

Natsume turns around to smile at both of them. He can feel a large group of humans up ahead; the human scent to his spirit senses is nearly overwhelming. It is no wonder spirits find human gatherings tempting. While none of them contain much spiritual power that Natsume would consider "tasty," there is a certain life to the energy that humans give off that many spirits find irresistible. As Natsume is discovering for himself now.

"Nishimura, the last rest stop is just ahead."

"Really?"

Both Nishimura and Kitamoto pause to stare at him.

"Where?" Putting a hand to his face, Nishimura goes on tiptoes to look. "I don't see it anywhere, Natsume. Are you sure?"

"It's right up this hill," Natsume says.

"You can see up the hill?"

That is when Natsume realizes his mistake.

"Ah. Um. I mean, it says so on the map, right?" He smiles nervously at the two of them, secretly glad that neither of them are Tanuma or Taki. Either of them would have been immediately suspicious.

But neither Nishimura nor Kitamoto are aware of Natsume's dealing with spirits, so while the two of them look at each other with identical expressions of confusion, neither of them suspect him of being more than what he appears to be.

"Rest stop!" Nishimura cries suddenly, and much to everybody's surprise, puts in a burst of speed and is up and over the hill before either Natsume or Kitamoto have a chance to react. "Hey, Natsume's right, it really is here!"

"Glad one of us pays attention to the map," Kitamoto says to Natsume, grinning. A second later Kitamoto joins Nishimura.

For a while Natsume pauses at the edge of the rest stop, trying to recollect himself. As time goes on, he has been slipping _more_ , not less. He needs to be careful.

"Natsume! Are you alright?"

"Ah, Taki," Natsume says. He smiles at the girl, who hands him a cup of cool, unsweetened tea. "Thank you."

"Were you tired out by the walk?" Taki asks. A towel is wrapped around her neck, her hair still wet from the exercise.

"Look at him," Nishimura says, putting an arm around Natsume. "He isn't even sweating! Ugh. How can a guy who always collapses from anemia manage to walk forty kilometers without sweating?"

"Eh?"

Taki looks at the two of them, eyes growing wider as Nishimura continues his monologue.

And that is when Natsume realizes his second mistake.

"Ah, I don't really sweat a lot, normally," Natsume lies. He eyes Taki quietly, who is giving him an unreadable look. Breaking away from Nishimura, he sidles next to Taki. "You know I get a lot of exercise," he adds quietly, trying to provide an explanation that would fit with what Taki knows of Natsume's involvement with spirits.

But from the way she looks at him, Natsume can tell she is not quite convinced. He feels a chill down his back that has nothing to do with the weather, which is unusually warm for spring. But that, he realizes, is another thing he has forgotten to notice. Just as Natsume no longer feels exhaustion, he also no longer truly feels heat or cold. The sensations taken for granted by humans are now denied him.

Human things.

Little things.

But it is not only forgetting the little details that freezes Natsume with horror. It is the fact that he has so become used to it, so used to being a god, to the point where he no longer thinks of the things that humans have always labored under.

In the few short months Natsume has been transformed, he has become less human. But until now, he had thought that he could keep up this masquerade indefinitely. That he still remembers enough to be able to pretend.

How long before he truly forgets what it is like to be human? How long before he is no longer able to live amongst them, sinking permanently into the spirit world?

_How long before he loses his friends?_

"Natsume? Are you okay?"

"Ah, Tanuma," Natsume says, trying his best to smile. "I'm fine."

"I was just talking to Taki."

"Really? What did she say?"

"Just that you were acting strange."

The statement sends a pang of fear down his back.

"Are you alright? You look sick," Tanuma adds.

"I'm fine!" Natsume says loudly, startling Tanuma. "I'm fine." This time, he tries to soften his response, but he cannot help but feel that Tanuma can see right through him.

"I'm fine," he says again. "Really."

But this lie, he knows, is only to convince himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cultural Notes: The event I have described in this drabble is the Kyohou (Literally meaning Strong Walk) Taikai. It's not a universal event, and not all high schools do this, but when they do, it is usually done after the admittance of first year students, as a way to bond with the new arrivals. Presumably everybody becomes friends after sharing a painfully long walk together. I myself have participated in this event (as a teacher). Like Nishimura, I too wonder why 40 kilometers is necessary. It really is far too long.


	14. Friends from the Other Side (Discovery Arc: Part 1/4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original A/N: As promised, Kai comes back. This is the first of a three (correction: four) part arc, which will end on April 28th/29th, in celebration of my birthday. I believe that this is an arc many of you guys have been waiting for. Or at least, one of the possible scenarios. I'm aware that there are many, and since I have no plans to finish this story in the near future, please be patient when waiting for THE ARC (OF YOUR DREAMS). I read everybody's comments (several dozen times, yes I'm pathetic), and while I wish I could answer everybody's, I cannot. So here is a general thank you for all the lovely reviews (we're nearing 200, whee!). I'll be honest: I don't think I would have continued this story to this point if it weren't for you guys. So again, ~thank you~

_One thing has not changed. Night is still the time when I mainly interact with spirits. But the lines have changed, and the balance is off. I wonder how far I will be allowed to tread before I fall._

* * *

"Natsume."

The boy no longer wears the look of a young schoolboy, but the robes and headdress suitable to a mountain god. Even in winter, the leaves that are a part of the headdress remain bright and green, a sharp contrast to the red cords tied on each side. His robes glow a strange blue in the moonlight where he stands on air, right in front of Natsume's bedroom window.

"Kai," Natsume says with a smile after he opens the window, simultaneously thinning the barrier around the house so that Kai can come in if he wishes. Kai certainly has more than enough power to break through without Natsume's help, except, as Natsume had learned, doing so would have been _rude_. "I'm sorry for making you come all this way."

"You visited me last time," Kai points out instead with a smile. "I thought you might like to join me tonight. There's going to be a festival." He then adds with a grin, "And you no longer have to worry about being eaten."

Natsume stiffens at the comment, but decides in the end to leave it alone. Kai coming to visit him is a happy enough affair. There is no need to make the god guilty, especially when it had been Kai's blood that had been crucial in turning Natsume into what he is now.

"Give me a moment while I make sure Touko-san and Shigeru-san are asleep."

Nyanko-sensei is nowhere in sight, and Natsume assumes that the cat is already at the festivities, trying his best to drink dry every bottle of wine. He senses the couple, and notes from their scents that they have gone past dreams into deep sleep.

"Are you going to remain like that?" Kai asks, looking at Natsume's pajamas.

"Umm, no. I'll change when we get into the forest."

It had rained the day before, making the air unusually chilly and covering the ground in mud. But the mud doesn't cling to his feet—or the rest of him for that matter, including his clothes—which certainly explains why so many spirits are immaculate despite spending all their days outside. It is an odd sensation, one Natsume is still not used to. Though some things, like the dirt, are attributes common to many spirits, his inability to feel cold (or hot) is an attribute that belongs solely to the gods. Natsume had had Misuzu explain this to him earlier that week out of curiosity, after Nyanko-sensei had whined incessantly about the cold.

When the two of them enter the forest, Natsume pulls the energy of the earth around him until it covers him like a shimmering cloak. At the same time, he releases the energy he had been using to make himself seem human. In a flash of light, Natsume replaces his pajamas into what he has started to call his "god clothes".

Kai grins at him when he sees the result. "Your worshippers have been giving you more offerings," he says, giggling.

Natsume sighs, reaching up to see what _else_ the spirits have added to his already overly-decorated headdress. Gold flickers down one side; the golden rectangles are thin and numerous, shaking with each small movement. He isn't sure if the things are meant to be chimes, but the rectangles make no noise, and so he decides to ignore them.

"I tell them each time not to do this," he says, putting the headdress back on where it conveniently remains without shifting, something that would have been impossible had he still been human. His robes are thankfully still plain and white, but the cloth belt certainly isn't. There are too many colors to count, decorated as it is in panels that depict the forest in all four seasons. "At least they didn't also change the _geta_ …" he adds, lifting his right foot up to inspect. But then he groans as he realizes that they have, in fact, been changed. Now instead of plain red straps, the straps have a subtle gold and black design. He doesn't look at them long enough to figure out what kind of design it might be.

"Let them indulge for a while," Kai suggests. "Once they become more used to you, they'll gradually tone it down. It's nice of them to show their adoration for you like they do, though. I could wish that…" Underneath the shadows of his headdress, Kai falls silent.

"Come on, let's go to the festival," Natsume says, placing an arm around Kai's thin shoulders.

The elder god looks up at him, surprised.

"I'm okay, Natsume," he says. Then he smiles, transforming his face from shadows to light. "I've got you now."


	15. Handling Worshippers (Discovery Arc: Part 2/4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I have time for today. Sorry, I'm leaving you with a cliffhanger, but trust in the author. It'll all work out. I'll try to have another couple of chapters up in the next week or so.
> 
> Original A/N: So as it turns out, Yours Truly is incapable of reading calendars. I miscalculated, and realized that a three-part arc would end on April 21st. Which is definitely not my birthday. Who is up for a four-part arc instead? I had not originally planned for this, but I think I will add a fourth part. There should be no complaints, yes?
> 
> Also, for those who follow my other works, I posted a new Natsume Yuujinchou fic a few weeks back: It's from Nishimura's point of view, where he discovers the existence of Matoba, called One Little Push. Those who are interested should take a look.
> 
> As always, thank you for your reviews.

_Apart from humans, it is easy to admit to myself that I have become attached to the spirits who have gathered around me. The trust and easy belief in my abilities is touching, yet at times worrisome. I do not want to be a god who commands. Sometimes I wonder if my feelings will reach them, just as their feelings have reached me._

* * *

_"Lord Natsume!"_

_"He's here!"_

_"Who? Oh! Lord Natsume!"_

_"Lord Natsume…"_

"Natsume! Took you long enough!" Nyanko-sensei says, then hics. In all four paws he holds a giant bottle of rice wine, half empty, while he lolls around on his back. The bottle sloshes noisily.

"Nyanko-sensei…" Natsume sighs, looking at the cat.

"Lord Natsume… Lord Kai," a spirit of indeterminate shape bows low before them both, trembling with nerves. "If you would come this way, we have prepared places suitable to your station."

"Ah, there's no need for that…" Natsume starts to say, but the forest clearing falls deathly silent, and all eyes turn toward him, wide and unblinking stares.

"I am sorry to have displeased you, Lord Natsume!" the spirit cries, launching itself to the ground.

"No! I mean, no, I'm not displeased," Natsume says, clumsily trying to find the right words to say. "Kai…"

"Lead us, if you may," Kai says, more amused than anything.

They navigate their way through odd whispers to the cushioned place between two large pines.

_"You see? Always so gracious…"_

_"He takes care of us, that he does."_

_"Even other gods respect him, see there…"_

_"Yes, I have heard…"_

_"Lord Kai…"_

_"Yes, Lord Kai visits him especially."_

"They say that like I've never visited you," Natsume mumbles, keeping a tight lid on his emotions. Intimately connected with the earth's energies the way he is now, any severe fluctuation in his mood can cause drastic changes to his appearance. The last time he'd lost control of his emotions, the results had been… embarrassing.

"I don't mind," Kai says, trying to stifle more giggles beneath a hand, which abruptly turns into a gasp. "Oh, that looks delicious."

In addition to rich cushions and carpets on the forest floor, the place is filled with food, food which, Natsume realizes, are of things he truly craves. Not ordinary human food, but filled with dedication and desire, emotions made into physical form. Glasses of flower nectar, carefully stored since spring. Dumplings stuffed with crushed chestnuts, infused with the energy of the tree that had gifted them. Eggs, both from birds and fish, cooked and arranged in beautiful shapes. There is no meat, but Natsume has made it clear that he does not want any spirits sacrificing their bodies for him.

"It's been far too long since I've had food like this," Kai says, already sipping a glass of nectar. "How much of this have you had before, Natsume?"

"A little," Natsume says. "All of this is really amazing though."

"Aaaah. The… the benefits of… godhood." Nyanko-sensei waddles in next to him, bleary-eyed, with a silly grin to match. "Give me…s-s-some of those dumplingsss. Nachume."

"You are ridiculously drunk," Natsume says, rolling his eyes. But he passes the plate of the chestnut dumplings over to where the cat can reach.

Despite his severely drunken state, the fat cat has no trouble devouring every dumpling on the plate, nor does he sway in any noticeable way when he reaches out his front right paw. "Now… give me some of those f-fish… eggs."

"Sensei…"

"What disrespect!" an ancient looking spirit says, looking at Nyanko-sensei with visible disapproval. It bends its gray, bald head and shakes a cane in the cat's direction. "What makes you think you can take part in a god's feast, you walking rice bun!"

"Why you!" Nyanko-sensei tries to stand, but is too drunk to do anything but sway and toddle from side to side. "Do you… know what I am? I am… I am Lord Nachume's—"

"Cat," Natsume interrupts.

"Not a cat!" the cat immediately shouts, becoming inexplicably more articulate in his drunken anger. "How many times have I told you that I am regal, a spirit unmatched by any other—"

"In stupidity," Natsume agrees, now thoroughly enjoying himself.

He nibbles on the fish eggs Nyanko-sensei had demanded earlier, enjoying the laughter of the other spirits while the cat splutters. The atmosphere gradually relaxes, as more spirits call out additional jabs at Nyanko-sensei's expense, though the cat manages to return the jabs with his own retorts.

"Try this, this is delicious," Kai says, then bursts into laughter at something Nyanko-sensei says.

"The quail eggs? I've never actually had them before," Natsume admits, reaching forward.

But it is at that moment that something causes the forest to simultaneously hush and burst into startled murmurs. Like a wave, the murmurs reach the center, where Natsume and Kai are seated, sending the area into a deep quiet.

_"Did you say human?"_

_"I sense one. Human!"_

_"A human."_

" _Insolent human, who dares to trespass…"_

_"Trespass! We'll eat it!"_

_"We'll eat it, the human."_

_"Eat it!"_

_"EAT IT!"_


	16. Colliding Worlds (Discovery Arc: Part 3/4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since I posted! I've been super busy with graduating and everything else. Senior year was a pain. Anyways, here's the next chapter. I'll try to post every day or so until I get done with my stash of formatted chapters and then it might take a while. But I've got 10 done already! So you'll definitely have updates for the next couple of weeks. Thanks for your patience!
> 
>  **Original A/N:** And the identity of the human is revealed! Mercy led me to post this drabble earlier than normal. I enjoy tormenting my readers, but I prefer reading reviews more- the earlier the better, haha. Thank you all for always reviewing, commenting, speculating- all of them really do keep me going. It is currently final papers week for me, so at the moment this drabble series is the only writing that I enjoy doing. Again, thank you for your patience. After this is one more drabble, and then the arc will be complete.

_I'd believed that I would have more time. Time to decide what kind of god I would want to be, time to determine the way I would walk between the human world and the spirit world. In the end, things happen when they will, and neither spirit nor human are ever prepared._

* * *

Natsume jumps to his feet, holding out a hand in a vain attempt to stop the thundering as spirits everywhere race ahead in search of the human intruder.

"Let's go, Natsume," Kai says.

"I don't want them to hurt anyone," Natsume says, unable to keep the horror out of his voice. It was not that long ago when it would have been _him_ being attacked.

"I know. That's why we're going," Kai replies, looking at Natsume with understanding. "Remember what you are now, Natsume."

"That's right." Nyanko-sensei waddles up to them both, his tone surprisingly sober. "You're not powerless anymore. And a lot of these spirits are _your worshippers_. They'll obey you."

He takes off then, taking the earth's energy into himself, willing speed into his steps. Kai runs alongside him, a silent supporter. They reach the knot of spirits just in time to see a body go under a pile of eager hands and sharp teeth.

" _Stop!_ "

All movement ceases.

"Get away from him," Natsume says quietly.

"But…" one spirit protests.

Feeling less like a god and more like a parent about to punish a misbehaving child, Natsume opens his mouth, but Kai steps forward before he can say anything.

"Lord Natsume has spoken. Do you dare disobey him?"

With a whimper, the other spirits step back.

It is only then when Natsume realizes that he recognizes the human's scent. Steady, quiet, and thoughtful—there is power there also: slight, but definitely not normal.

"N-Natsume? Did someone say Natsume?"

With a sinking heart, Natsume watches Tanuma sit up, struggling with mixed feelings of relief that the young man does not appear visibly hurt, and dread that it should be Tanuma, of all people, to be here.

"Aaah… so it comes out now," Nyanko-sensei says, waddling up.

"Ponta," Tanuma says, with a mixture of relief and surprise. Then he looks up. Once again Natsume is filled with a myriad of emotions, but for some odd reason Tanuma's uncertainty at his appearance makes him want to laugh. "Natsume? Is that you? Why are you dressed like that?"

"It's… it's kind of a long story," Natsume says.

"Lord Natsume, what should we…" one spirit asks tentatively.

"I'm sorry. I will be here for a while. Return to the festival, and don't come back until you hear word."

"Understood, Lord Natsume."

With an audible stir, the spirits begin to leave, chattering quietly amongst themselves. Natsume turns his head away from them, not ready to listen to what they are saying.

"Should I go too?" Kai asks.

"Hm? Kai, you remember Tanuma, don't you?"

As if on cue, Tanuma turns toward the mountain god.

"You're that boy…"

"Kai," the god says, smiling. "But you wouldn't have seen me dressed like this would you?"

"No…" and Tanuma returns the smile. It's genuine, warm, and sincere as he examines Kai's appearance again. "It looks good on you though. Better than the schoolboy clothes."

"Hmmm… so explain to us," Nyanko-sensei says, butting in. "What are you doing here? You of all people should know better."

Even in the darkness, Tanuma's flush is visible.

"I…"

"Ah… I hadn't realized it when I was following you," Natsume remembers, glancing at Kai, "but we're near Yatsuhara aren't we? So that means that you must have seen—"

"—lights," Tanuma finishes. "I saw blue lights, and wondered if you were involved. It was stupid, I know, coming out here. And when I realized that I could see the spirits, I knew that it was even stupider. But you'd been acting strange lately, and I was…"

Natsume feels his heart lurch.

"I'm sorry," he says. "This is all because of me."

"And so what if it is?" Nyanko-sensei says. Suddenly Natsume finds his lap full of cat. "But more importantly, _when will you learn to stop taking responsibility for things that you have no control over?_ "

Natsume feels his mouth opening, but nothing comes out. Nyanko-sensei gives a snort, and climbs back down onto the grass.

Tanuma smiles.

"Ponta's right, you know. You didn't force me to follow you. I did that on my own."

"You see?" Nyanko-sensei says. "Even the human understands."

"But it's different now!" Natsume says. "Now that I'm a…"

"Being a god now doesn't change a thing!" the cat interrupts. At the words Tanuma freezes, but Nyanko-sensei ignores the young man's reaction. Natsume turns away, not yet ready to see the expression on Tanuma`s face.

"He's right," Kai says softly. "Just because you're a god now, it doesn't mean that you're all-powerful."

"Natsume…"

Natsume turns to face Tanuma, dreading what he will see.

"I'm sorry Tanuma, for not telling you."

But instead of the shock and betrayal he had expected, Tanuma looks at him thoughtfully.

"It looks like you've been through a lot, recently," the young man says. "I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again. I won't push you to tell if you don't want to."

"No!" Natsume cries, his hands reaching out toward Tanuma on their own. He stops abruptly, as he struggles to control the myriad of emotions rising within him. Now is not the time to embarrass himself. "No…" he repeats, more softly this time. "Tanuma I… I've wanted to tell you. Really. It's just that…"

"You can start from the beginning," Nyanko-sensei says.

The beginning. Yes, he will start from the beginning. Natsume takes a deep breath. Then another. It takes a while for Natsume to collect himself, but Tanuma as always, waits patiently.

Finally, he is ready.

"Do you remember those weeks when Nyanko-sensei disappeared…?"


	17. Out in the Open (Discovery Arc: Part 4/4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Original A/N:** Some of you will soon notice the unusual length of this "drabble", which is really no longer a drabble, but a full chapter in and of itself. I hope you enjoy the extra long length, and the complete and utter fanservice I have added. I admit, I was shameless. This has been something I've secretly wanted to see happen, though it's ridiculous. But it's my birthday. I do what I wa-ant! Please be patient, and I apologize in advance for forcing all of you to indulge me in my silly fantasy. We will return to the regular drabbles next week.
> 
> As always thank you for your thoughtful reviews. I hope you enjoy the finale to this arc.

_I have become used to hiding, used to living several lives at once. So desperate have I been to keep them separate, that I soon forgot again what it was like to be honest. Now I find nothing more frightening than telling the truth._

* * *

Tanuma's expressions are like an open book. Even when his face is cast in shadow and hard to see, Natsume can sense the confusion and distress coming from the young man. This makes it hard for him to continue his story, but he pushes perversely on, like a person deliberately poking at a half-healed wound. It is too late now for anything else.

For a long time, it is Tanuma who does not speak.

Natsume can sense Kai sitting by his side, and feel his silent support, which helps to salve the hurt, even if it doesn't relieve the tension. Nyanko-sensei sits quietly on his lap, the only one truly enjoying the scene.

"Well? You wanted the truth. What do you think of it?"

Tanuma shifts uncomfortably on the grass, where he had been sitting the entire time Natsume had told his tale.

"Aaaaaah… Well, it's a lot to take in." Tanuma finally turns to look at Natsume. "So you aren't… you aren't human anymore?"

"He's most definitely not," Nyanko-sensei says, before Natsume has a chance to answer. "To be honest, he's quite powerful, even with most of his worshippers made up of weak low-class spirits."

"But Natsume, you were powerful as a human too, weren't you? So how are you—" Tanuma pauses then, his face flushing brightly.

"I think," Natsume begins, "I think that it was my original power that allowed me to make the transition without dying." He turns to Nyanko-sensei. "I haven't thought about it until now, but it's true, isn't it, Nyanko-sensei?"

"Ah, that's right. If you weren't as powerful as you were, you wouldn't have been able to make the transition. But don't think it was just that. A great deal of your power went into the transformation, but if you hadn't had enough left over, you wouldn't have been able to become a god. Misuzu had essentially been gambling on the hope that you would be able to make two transitions. Failure to do either would have killed you."

Natsume cannot help but shiver in reaction. The memories of the spell and transformation are still things he tries to avoid when he can. It is not so much the pain—Natsume is used to pain, though it had certainly been far _more_ pain than he had ever felt in his life—but the sensation of being unmade, of losing everything that made him _him_.

"You could have died then," Tanuma whispers, his face as pale now as it had been red before. "Natsume… I don't. I can't… There's no words for what I'm feeling right now. But I'm glad. I'm glad you're alive."

"I'm sorry, Tanuma," Natsume says.

"In your place, I wouldn't know what to say either," Tanuma points out. "It's not something that you can easily bring up in conversation," he adds logically. "Though we'll have to figure out how we're going to do that with Taki."

"Eh?" Natsume stares at him, momentarily confused.

"It wouldn't be fair to leave her out of this," Tanuma says. "She's been just as worried about you as I've been."

"I…"

"Besides, I think she'd want to see you in your umm, how should I put this? Your ummm, your new appearance."

Kai claps his hands over his mouth, but not before several giggles escape from his mouth.

Natsume groans.

"This wasn't my idea you know! My worshippers made the silly thing. But I can't tell them to stop, because it's supposed to be their way of showing appreciation."

"It looks very godly," Tanuma says earnestly. "I think it looks nice on you."

Next to him, Natsume sees Kai topple sideways on the grass, clutching his belly in a fit of giggles.

"Kai! Don't. I…"

All the emotion that Natsume has been trying to keep at bay erupts, and for an instant there is a flash of light.

"Natsume! Natsume!" Tanuma shouts, momentarily startled by the light. Gradually the light starts to fade. "Natsu— Natsume?"

At the moment, Natsume wants nothing more than to sink into the earth beneath him, which for him is no longer a mere saying, but something he can accomplish in truth. Instead he stares at his hair, at the large… _amount_ of it.

His hair, impossibly long, is pooled around his feet like a puddle of amber. Some of it is tangled up in the cords tied to his headdress, and he tries half-heartedly to shift some of the silky stuff that clings to his hands.

"Oh no. Not this again," Natsume says, the last word coming off as a wail. "Nyanko-sensei!"

"How many times have I told you to keep your emotions under control, idiot! It's because you can't that this keeps happening!"

"What am I supposed to do again?"

"Will it away, like you're supposed to do, you impossible idiot. Why are you asking me when you know the answer?"

"N-Natsume? Is that really you?" There is a worried quality to Tanuma's voice, yet Natsume hears something else as well. "Are you o-o-okay?"

There is no doubt. Natsume sighs and hangs his head. He can hear Tanuma trying his best to keep from laughing, and failing.

"When spirits get emotional they often shift appearances," Nyanko says, somehow managing to make himself heard over the howling. "Most grow larger, while others become darker. Some spirits with horns or tails end up with those growing longer, but Natsume, it seems, chooses to grow out his hair."

"I do _not_ choose this!" Natsume says, feeling the heat in his face double. He looks up to glare at the cat.

"You have nothing to complain about," Nyanko-sensei says. "Your worshippers all think you look beautiful this way."

Around him, the laughter only worsens.

Natsume gathers what little dignity he has remaining.

"I'm changing back."

He closes his eyes, and concentrates on returning to the way he was before.

When he opens his eyes again, Tanuma is wiping tears from his eyes, and looking contrite.

"Sorry, Natsume."

"It's okay," Natsume says. He sighs. "I guess I should be thankful that I didn't do this in front of my worshippers."

"Ummm." Tanuma blushes. "Well, I'm glad you're back to normal now."

Natsume deliberately ignores the last statement.

"I think it's time to go home," Natsume says instead. "Tanuma, I'll walk you back."

"Ah, there's no need…"

"It's time for me to get back too," Kai says, smiling. "I'll see you again soon, Natsume."

"Thank you for coming to see me tonight, Kai."

They part ways then, Kai lifting into the sky, then disappearing in a flash of wind and thrashing branches.

Natsume looks back at Tanuma, and nudges the young man down the path leading to his house. For a time neither of them say anything. At the edge of the spirit barrier, Natsume pauses, then shifts into his human form, still clad in pajamas.

"Aren't you cold?" Tanuma asks, finally breaking the silence.

"I don't really feel the cold anymore," Natsume says. "And the dirt doesn't really cling to my feet either, so I don't even have to worry about that."

"That's convenient."

"Some things are," Natsume says. "Other things… aren't."

Tanuma tactfully does not reply to that.

"I'm glad."

"Hm?"

"You're still Natsume. I was worried. And when you told me about becoming a god, I was even more worried. But you're still Natsume. You haven't changed."

"No," Natsume says. "I have changed. I've changed a great deal."

"I know. You can't help but change, after going through that. But the important part, the Natsume I know. That's stayed the same." Tanuma smiles at him, as if encouraging him. "You don't need to be afraid, Natsume."

_Afraid._

It takes a second for Natsume to recognize it, but that is exactly what he has been feeling all this time. Fear of the changes inside him, of confronting the memories that make up that fateful day, of balancing the two worlds he now lives in, protecting the precious friends who inhabit both. 

He had been afraid, terrified.

"Thank you, Tanuma. I… I needed to hear that."

"You always burden yourself with everything," Tanuma says, his voice sounding exasperated. "But I'm used to that part of you. You wouldn't be Natsume if you told me everything."

They stop outside the gates of Tanuma's temple. At that moment, Natsume finds himself reluctant to leave. Tanuma appears to feel the same, first with taking far too much time finding the right keys, then fumbling the key into the lock.

"You're… you're coming to school tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah."

"All right. Good night."

"Good night."

For a while Natsume stands outside the house, waiting. It isn't until he can sense Tanuma deep in sleep that he turns away from the temple.

"Nyanko-sensei," Natsume says softly to the cat. "I think… I think I'm the luckiest person in the world."

"Hmph. What in the world are you talking about? We're going home."

"Yes. Let's go home."


	18. From the Eyes of Spirits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that these A/Ns have been transferred from the original posts on FF.net on the author's request. They are generally pertinent to that time period. Sorry for the confusion!
> 
> **Original A/N:** Sorry, I'm slightly late, but it's still Sunday, no? This is kind of a semi-sequel to the previous arc, and I've always wanted to explore Taki's circle from the spirit's point of view. As always, please read and enjoy.

_There are many things that used to bother me as a human, but now don't. The reverse however, is also true. As I look at the seals and spells I am learning, and the ones that I am told to avoid, I wonder what had driven the first exorcist to create what he had. What kind of desperation would cause a person to create spells of such horror?_

* * *

"When is Natsume coming?" Taki asks, as she makes another indentation in the soft earth. She starts on another symbol, an older form of the Chinese character meaning "sun". There are other characters as well, characters that Natsume is now starting to become able to read. The meanings send a chill of fear down his back. While the human characters are innocuous enough, the spirit ones spell doom for any spirit.

Slowly, Taki writes out the character for "chains".

_Chains, to shackle my essence into the circle._

She moves onto the next, this time writing out "mirror".

_Mirror, to reveal to the eye what cannot otherwise be seen._

Despite knowing that the effects of the circle are more or less harmless, Natsume has to fight down the urge, once he has seen it, to flee. It is more than the fear of being seen, he realizes, but Natsume cannot find the words to explain it, only that he feels something wrong when he looks at it.

"Idiot, it will do you no harm," Nyanko-sensei says, looking at him in his form as a white beast. "You're reacting to it from an instinctive level, but fight it."

Natsume swallows, though his throat is not dry. Some human habits are harder to forget than others.

"No wonder Chobihige calls it an ill omen," Natsume murmurs, looking at the circle that Taki is drawing. "But why? What's so horrifying about being seen by ordinary humans?"

"If you think about it, you ought to understand," Nyanko-sensei says. "Remember what spirits are. And think of how many humans can actually see our kind."

Natsume pauses then, thinking hard.

"We're a hypocritical bunch, aren't we?" he says. "We resent humans for not being able to see us, but then when they manage to find the tools to do it, we're afraid."

"It's part of being a spirit," Nyanko-sensei. "And don't think humans are free from that sort of hypocrisy either."

"I know," Natsume says. It is not entirely out of hatred that exorcists trap or seal spirits after all.

He watches Tanuma gazing around the clearing by the river, probably trying to sense his presence. It is a futile effort. Natsume's shields have long since passed the stage when they are able to hide his power from humans. It had been one of the first things Misuzu insist he learn.

"Exorcists covet power like yours," Misuzu had explained, and Natsume had nodded, acknowledging the truth of that statement. "You want them to underestimate you, so that if they ever manage to seal you, they use a weaker seal that you can break out of easily."

The words, so casually said, had sent a chill down his back. Not the fact that he was coveted—after all, that is no different from when he had been human—but the fact that humans now have the ability to hurt him in a way they could never have done when he had still been human.

But then, Nyanko-sensei had pointed out later, the reverse is also true.

"He should be coming soon," Tanuma says, looking around. "Or he may be here already."

"It's strange, isn't it, that he could be here and we'd never see him," Taki murmurs.

Tanuma nods.

"I can't imagine it's easy for him either. At least he can actually make himself look human when he wants to."

"Will that be enough though?" Taki asks. "Can spirits make themselves age?"

"I don't know."

Taki makes the final markings in the earth.

"Check to see if there's anyone nearby," Taki says.

"I don't see anyone."

Natsume stretches his senses outward and above, but aside from Taki and Tanuma, senses no other human.

"Nyanko-sensei?"

"You go first. There is no way I'm risking that girl throttling my entire body. She'll probably miss your appearance if I do," Nyanko-sensei says, grumbling.

Natsume laughs, which is probably what Nyanko-sensei had intended, and manages to relax a little more.

"All right Natsume, if you're here," Tanuma says angling his voice a little louder than usual, though Natsume is standing right by him. "We're ready."

He looks at the circle, still hesitating.

"What are you doing, you idiot? Go already."

First he places a foot on the outer edge. Then he takes a step. Then another.

"Oh!"

Slowly, Natsume turns to face her.

"Hello, Taki," he says softly, smiling at her from within the circle.

"Natsume-kun…"

To his shock, Taki is crying, her hands covering her mouth.

"Taki… Are you… I'm…" He reaches out a hand, but knows that he cannot leave the circle.

"Oh, Natsume-kun…" Taki says, and more tears fall down her cheeks.

Tanuma immediately goes to her.

"Don't worry, Natsume. Taki's not sad or anything," Tanuma reassures him.

"No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Taki says, interrupting Tanuma. She wipes the tears from her eyes, but a few stray beads are still caught on her eyelashes, reflecting light. "It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you looking like… Oh Natsume-kun!"

"Well, it looks like you're able to reduce humans to tears," Nyanko-sensei says, back in his form as a cat.

It is a sign of Taki's shock that Nyanko-sensei's appearance barely registers in her eyes.

"I'm sorry Taki," Natsume says.

"No, don't be. It's just… I've…" Taki looks at him, smiling. "I've never seen a god before." She looks straight into his eyes, her face shining bright with happiness. "You're beautiful!"

Tanuma bursts into laughter.

"Don't laugh! It's true, don't you think?"

"Well…"

From within the circle, Natsume looks at his two friends, and is surprised to find himself smiling.

"It's not so bad, is it, being seen," Nyanko-sensei says.

"No," Natsume says. "No, it's not."


	19. In a Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: this is one of my favorite chapters!
> 
> **Original A/N:** I apologize once again for being woefully late. I did not have much access to the internet recently. But it is better late, than never, no? I promise to be more prompt this weekend.
> 
> I have brought in the little fox. He is older, and as you will soon see, a lot wiser, though just as lovable and earnest as before. Or at least, I hope so. I was rather indirect in this drabble, and I hope that it is not too confusing. I've also done something rather bold, please forgive me. You are seeing me set up the scenes to another arc, though it will come much later. Please be patient. As always, read and enjoy.

_Names have always held a place of importance for me, and I know that for spirits, the value of their names increases tenfold. I only need to look at the Book of Friends to remind myself of their value, to remember why I have become the person I am now. But now that I am one of them, I have to confront the one truth I have never had to consider—that human names cannot be entered into the Book of Friends._

* * *

He can feel the warmth of the sun on his skin as a slight caress, a touch of the actual heat that plagues his human friends and lesser spirits. The warmed grass sends up a nice perfume, and while Natsume does not feel tired, he senses a certain unwillingness to move. His companion is similarly affected, and Natsume turns over to smile at the little fox kit snuggling next to him.

"Are you hot?" Natsume asks.

The little fox kit opens his eyes, and rubs them sleepily.

"No. Your body is cool." He looks up and smiles. "It feels nice."

For a moment Natsume feels a flash of nostalgia, an image of a time when he had said the same thing to someone else. At the time he had not had enough experience to say what he meant, but he is determined not to make the same mistake.

"I'm glad you're comfortable."

"Mm."

It is not too long before the child is once again snuggled against him, the contrast between the heat of late spring and the cool feeling of Natsume's body once again drawing the fox spirit back into sleep. Natsume smiles at the sleeping figure, glad that the kit had made the long journey to see him. His followers are growing day by day, but there are still few who dare to approach him.

_"Ah, it is Lord Onwa…"_

_"No other god would allow such closeness."_

_"Do you suppose Lord Onwa would allow us to talk to him?"_

_"I suppose…"_

_"… No, best not to disturb him right now. Haven't you heard? He has been working himself to a wraith, trying to master spells."_

_"Why?"_

_"Why? Why? To protect us of course."_

_"He didn't know them already?"_

_"Of course not. Have you already forgotten what he once was?"_

Natsume shakes himself out of his reverie, and looks toward the source of the conversation. A group of low-level spirits are hiding in the bushes, but Natsume senses no ill-will.

"Who is Lord Onwa?" Natsume murmurs softly, struck by the name. It cannot be a real name, and from the way the spirits had used it, it had felt more like a code. "A code for who?"

"Hmmm?"

"Ah, I'm sorry," Natsume says, gently patting the kid on the head. "This is the second time I've woken you up."

"I'm fine," the child says, sitting up. "Who were you talking to, Natsume?"

"Hm? Ah, nobody. I was just talking to myself." Natsume pauses for a bit, still trying to collect his thoughts. "I don't suppose…"

"What?" The fox spirit, sensing that Natsume is about to ask him a favor, looks up at him eagerly.

"Have you heard of a spirit named Lord Onwa?"

Natsume had expected the boy to tilt his head in confusion, perhaps look away, disappointed. Instead the child giggles before hurriedly covering his mouth.

In that instant, Natsume understands who Lord Onwa is.

"It's me, isn't it?"

"You own the Book of Friends," the fox kit says.

He senses the warning within the statement, but there is another feeling hidden within the fox spirit's words as well.

"So all of you are protecting me," he says.

The child looks down, unable to meet his eyes. "Natsume… you… you like humans. You spend a lot of time with them."

"That's not the only thing, is it?"

"There've been… rumors." The fox kit looks up at him, and Natsume finds himself temporarily stunned by the fierce protectiveness in the child's eyes. "Spirits asking questions."

A chilling thread of fear runs down his back, but Natsume manages to control his feelings, and maintains a calm façade.

"Are they shiki?"

"I'll protect you, Natsume. No matter what happens. I'll protect you."

"But you don't…" Natsume stops himself from finishing the sentence. Now is not the time to hurt the fox kit, not after that display of sincerity. He breathes in deeply. Then lets it out. "At least promise me one thing," he says.

The child looks at him expectantly.

"No matter what anyone else calls me, at least when you're with me, call me Natsume."

The child's lips curve into a sweet smile, and he looks at Natsume happily.

"Of course."

Natsume settles back into the grass, the fox kit doing the same. They remain that way until Nyanko-sensei comes for the both of them.

"If you don't hurry now, Touko-san will get worried," the cat says. "She's making gratin tonight. There is no way I want to be late for that."

"Ah, sorry."

"I'll see you tomorrow," the fox kit says cheerfully.

"Be safe," Natsume says.

"I will! I've already found a nice burrow," he says.

They leave the fox kit waving enthusiastically on the hilltop. Nyanko-sensei walks ahead, his short feet moving rapidly under him in a way that Natsume finds amusing.

"Sensei, never stop calling me Natsume."

"What? What's this all about, idiot? I'll call you whatever I want."

Natsume laughs.

"I wonder, Sensei," he answers quietly. "The spirits have placed so much hope on me. I hope I can return the favor."

Nyanko-sensei stops in the middle of the road, then turns to look at him, rolling his eyes. "Just live up to that name they've given you. You should be able to do that, no?"

The name. It is very like the spirits to give him a name that has within it all their hopes, their wishes, and their desires. He senses the desire, not only of what he can grant them, but of what they hope he will always be. As Natsume does himself. And they have, by giving him this name, given him a little more time, a little more protection. A few more roads to grow into the god he wishes to become.

"I will, Nyanko-sensei. No matter what."

How can he not, with such a name?

_Onwa_.

He is Natsume. Natsume Takashi. Lord Natsume, the Gentle.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to kudos/comment and subscribe for alerts!


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